WASHINGTON - MAGA faithful across the nation erupted in celebration this week after Trump economic advisor Kevin Hassett announced that inflation has dropped by a whopping 50% under the returning administration. The declaration was met with thunderous applause from supporters who were, at that exact moment, furiously posting Facebook rants about $6 gallons of milk.
"This is incredible news!" exclaimed a Republican voter of Tampa, Florida, while filling his truck with $4.89/gallon gasoline. "Finally, someone who understands economics! Not like those Democrat elites who keep lying about prices going down." The voter then drove directly to a town hall meeting to demand his congressman explain why his rent increased $300 last month.
Hassett, who previously predicted the economy would experience a "cubic" recovery that resembled no mathematical shape known to science, made the announcement flanked by charts that appeared to have been drawn in Microsoft Paint circa 1995. When pressed by reporters on how inflation could be down 50% while the Consumer Price Index shows continued increases, Hassett allegedly responded, "Have you tried just not looking at prices?"
The celebration has united Trump's base in rare harmony. Attendees at a recent Michigan rally simultaneously waved "INFLATION IS DEFEATED" signs while chanting "We can't afford groceries!" in perfect unison, creating what political scientists are calling "a beautiful symphony of doublethink."
Local MAGA chapters are planning victory parades to commemorate the inflation triumph, though several have been postponed due to the prohibitive cost of parade permits, which have mysteriously increased 30% since last year.
"The fake news media wants you to think prices are still high," explained a rally-goer, clutching a receipt showing she'd just paid $47 for a rotisserie chicken and three items. "But Kevin Hassett said they're not, so they're not. That's just basic economics."
When asked how both realities could simultaneously exist, Henderson reportedly smiled and said, "That's the neat part—they don't have to."
