Republicans announced that the famous Emma Lazarus poem inscribed on the Statue of Liberty's pedestal has been widely misinterpreted for the past 142 years and was obviously only intended for white Europeans who could already afford transatlantic passage.
"Give me your tired and your poor who can stand on their own two feet and who will not become a public charge," explained Ken Cuccinelli, former acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, helpfully correcting Lazarus's apparent editing oversight during the rollout of the administration's public charge rule that would deny green cards to immigrants who might use public benefits like food stamps or Medicaid.
The clarification comes as the Trump administration has implemented the most extreme changes to the immigration system in modern U.S. history, featuring more enforcement arrests in the first 50 days than all of fiscal year 2024. Republicans emphasized that this aggressive enforcement of immigration law finally honors the Statue of Liberty's true message: liberty and freedom for people with demonstrated financial resources and, ideally, lighter skin tones.
"When Emma Lazarus wrote 'your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,' she clearly meant huddled masses who had already secured private health insurance and wouldn't burden American taxpayers," explained one GOP immigration official, standing before the iconic statue that France gifted to America as a symbol of welcome and refuge. "The 'tired' and 'poor' she referenced were obviously just temporarily embarrassed millionaires taking a brief respite before resuming their entrepreneurial ventures."
Historical scholars at the Emma Lazarus Foundation were reportedly thrilled to learn that the Jewish poet's 1883 sonnet, written to raise funds for the statue's pedestal at a time when Eastern European Jews were fleeing pogroms, was actually about vetting immigrants for financial solvency and work ethic. "We always wondered why she didn't include income requirements," said one imaginary historian Republicans quoted.
The Trump administration eliminated previous restrictions on ICE raids in "sensitive locations" such as schools, churches, and hospitals, ensuring that no tired, poor, or huddled masses—particularly those from non-European countries—could hide from the beacon of selective freedom. ICE data shows that 72% of detained individuals have no criminal convictions, confirming the administration's commitment to deporting people whose only crime was believing that American poem on that statue actually meant something.
Republican officials stressed that the Statue of Liberty's torch represents illuminating the correct interpretation of American values, which apparently include ensuring that massive drops in field workers after ICE raids and broader economic impacts on local economies serve as important reminders that "give me your tired, your poor" had an implied asterisk reading "*offer valid for Northern and Western Europeans only, some restrictions apply, see monument for details."
"Lady Liberty's tablet reads July 4, 1776, not 'All Are Welcome Here,'" noted one GOP congressman, squinting at the statue from his yacht. "The huddled masses were clearly supposed to huddle somewhere else—preferably in their countries of origin—unless they could demonstrate an ability to stand upright on their own two feet immediately upon arrival, speak English without an accent, and not require any of the social safety net programs that built the middle class for white Americans."
When asked whether the "New Colossus" poem's reference to the "wretched refuse of your teeming shore" applied to modern Republican immigration policy, officials explained that Emma Lazarus was obviously using "wretched refuse" as a term of endearment for wealthy European merchants temporarily down on their luck, not actual refugees fleeing violence, persecution, or poverty.
The Republicans concluded its announcement by noting that freedom and liberty remain core American values, available to all people who meet the strict financial, ethnic, and ideological requirements clearly outlined in the nation's founding documents and correctly interpreted by officials who definitely read them.
