WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Donald Trump has nominated Heritage Foundation economist E.J. Antoni to usher the Bureau of Labor Statistics into a bold, post-numerical future, sources confirmed Monday. The move is part of a broader administration initiative to ensure key economic figures are no longer held hostage by specific, verifiable quantities.
The nomination follows the dismissal of former BLS Commissioner Erika McEntarfer, whose department clung to an outdated methodology that resulted in the 'unfavorable' July jobs report. That report, which pedantically insisted that 258,000 fewer jobs were added than previously claimed, highlighted the clear limitations of relying on numbers that can be counted by proven methods.
In his announcement, President Trump articulated a new vision for data that aligns with a more intuitive understanding of prosperity. "Our Economy is booming, and E.J. will ensure that the Numbers released are HONEST and ACCURATE," the president stated, clarifying that honesty and accuracy will now be measured by how well the data captures the general feeling of economic success.
Administration officials explained that the BLS, under Antoni’s guidance, will transition away from restrictive integers and towards a more dynamic system of indefinite and fictitious numbers. Future jobs reports are expected to feature more emotionally resonant figures, such as "umpteen new manufacturing roles," "a zillion dollars in wage growth," and "countless opportunities for patriotic Americans."
"For too long, the BLS has been bogged down by specifics," explained a White House aide familiar with the new statistical paradigm. "Is it more accurate to say '22,000 jobs' or 'a whole bunch of jobs'? The second one really paints a fuller picture of the boom. We're moving towards qualitative mathematics."
The nominee, E.J. Antoni, has already signaled his readiness to embrace this evolution in data science. While he disagreed with the president’s assertion that the previous numbers were “rigged,” he did diagnose the issue as one of “general incompetence”—specifically, an incompetence at reporting numbers that boosts the administration's achievements.
"Focusing on survey response rates is missing the forest for the trees," Antoni is reported to have told associates. "The real failure was a lack of vision. The previous administration was counting trees. We're going to be reporting on the whole, magnificent forest, which has, for the record, a gazillion trees."
If confirmed, Antoni is expected to immediately begin the process of updating the BLS’s antiquated counting methods, finally freeing the American people from the tyranny of concrete data and allowing them to experience the economy’s success through more inspiring, if numerically abstract, government reports.
