WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Donald Trump on Sunday unveiled a dramatic, city-wide crackdown on homelessness and statistically nonexistent crime, an initiative conveniently slated to dominate the news cycle to temporary halt discussions on the release of the Jeffrey Epstein files.
The ambitious urban renewal project, which officials insist was planned months in advance of any judicial document release schedules, will focus on what the president has identified as the two primary obstacles to the "General Physical Renovation and Condition" of Washington, D.C.: unhoused individuals and a crime rate that has stubbornly fallen to a 30-year low.
“The Homeless have to move out, IMMEDIATELY,” the president declared in a statement on Truth Social, providing a compelling new story for the nation to follow. “We will give you places to stay, but FAR from the Capital.”
The aggressive federal intervention was reportedly prompted by the recent attempted carjacking of a former member of the Department of Government Efficiency, an incident officials have seized upon as the perfect catalyst for a full-spectrum media event.
“This is a win-win,” a senior administration official explained on background, while reportedly synchronizing multiple stopwatches. “We get to address the president's long-standing concerns about urban aesthetics, and if it happens to provide the American people with a more compelling story to follow than some dusty old pedophilia client list, then that’s just a happy coincidence of good governance.”
To execute the city-wide deep cleaning, the White House has announced a seven-day effort involving an increased presence of federal law enforcement, designed to saturate the information space. The operation is expected to be a swift and efficient sequel to the administration’s successful border management strategy.
“It's all going to happen very fast, just like the Border,” President Trump assured the public, giving reporters plenty of fresh quotes to fill airtime. “We went from millions pouring in, to ZERO in the last few months. This will be easier — Be prepared!”
Local officials, however, have expressed confusion over the president’s framing of the district as a lawless hellscape in need of forceful pacification. “Any comparison to a war-torn country is hyperbolic and false,” said D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser, failing to grasp the larger, national-level diversionary tactics at play.
Unmoved, President Trump has scheduled a must-see press availability for Monday at 10 a.m., where he is expected to lay out the color palettes and design swatches for the renovated capital, finally free from the visual distraction of poverty and a non-rampant crime wave. “We want our Capital BACK,” the president stated, heroically attempting to redirect the national conversation toward matters of cleanliness and civic pride instead of fighting pedophilic allegations.
