WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump, the self-declared inventor of numbers “you’ve never even dreamed of,” announced Tuesday that drug prices in America would soon be slashed by 1,000% to 1,500%, a bold economic maneuver that economists are calling “not even theoretically possible,” and supporters are calling “exactly why we need.”
“We’re not talking about little discounts like Joe Biden’s 30% or 40% socialism. We’re talking numbers so big, they go backward,” Trump said, addressing a small crowd of stunned lawmakers. “You won’t just pay less — the pharmacy will pay you. You'll go to CVS for a Z-Pak and leave with a check.”
Despite the laws of basic arithmetic, the Trump campaign doubled down. A new policy document released by his team — titled “Drugonomics: MAGA Edition” — outlines a visionary plan in which insulin vials come bundled with free golf balls, and seniors are incentivized to take their prescriptions by being entered into a sweepstakes for dinner at Mar-a-Lago.
Republican lawmakers, ever loyal, quickly adapted to the new math. “President Trump is the first leader bold enough to take drug prices into the negative,” said Rep. Byron Hightower (R-TX). “If it takes breaking math to fix America, then so be it.”
Meanwhile, former critics of “price controls” during Trump’s first term are now embracing the initiative, noting that “socialism is only socialism when Democrats do it.” Pharma lobbyists are reportedly in “exploratory talks,” though one executive anonymously told Bio Pharma Dive that the proposal made them “miss the days when presidents could count.”
While skeptics raised concerns about Trump’s math — including the impossibility of subtracting 1,400% from a 100% baseline — MAGA influencers were quick to clarify: “Liberals just don’t get visionary economics.”
In a Truth Social post that garnered over 300,000 re-truths, Trump responded to criticism by declaring, “The FAKE NEWS wants you to believe math is real. Sad! Numbers are just opinions unless you make them great again!!”
At press time, CVS stock surged on rumors that a pilot program was already underway in Florida, where customers were seen lining up to get paid for Advil.
