WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump hinted Friday that he may consider the “patriotic option” of granting clemency to Ghislaine Maxwell — so long as her memory improves in one very particular direction.
Speaking before departing for a diplomatic golf summit in Scotland, the president addressed the media with his usual candor and constitutional flair, offering what he called a “starter list” of Epstein affiliates. “You ought to be speaking about Bill Clinton. You ought to be talking about Larry Summers, Harvard’s president — very suspicious school, by the way — and maybe some hedge fund guys. I’ll give you a list. A beautiful list.”
Trump emphasized that he never visited Epstein’s infamous island — though many have apparently thought about it, which, in the new Trump Doctrine of Retroactive Moral Purity, is the greater offense. “Thinking about it? That’s practically pre-crime,” a Truth Social statement read shortly after.
Though Maxwell remains convicted in what MAGA insiders delicately refer to as “an unfortunate sex logistics misunderstanding,” support for her conditional pardon has ballooned across the America First base.
“The only thing Ghislaine’s guilty of is knowing too much — about Democrats,” said Todd Redfern, a Florida rally-goer holding a sign that read ‘Free Her So She Can Free Us!’ “If she can help us finally get to the bottom of what Bill Clinton did on Epstein’s plane, then we owe her at least house arrest in Mar-a-Lago.”
A campaign-style online petition titled “Pardon Her, But Only If She Flips on Liberals” has already garnered 3.1 million signatures, with top MAGA influencers calling Maxwell the potential “Edward Snowden of human trafficking — but for the right reasons.”
The president, for his part, maintained a patriotic distance from the proceedings. “Pardons? That’s not something I’ve thought about. I’m focused on saving America, not thinking about people I definitely haven’t socialized with since 2003,” he said, referencing the birthday letter someone “probably forged” in his name for Epstein.
But conservative legal analysts say the calculus is obvious. “If Ghislaine starts naming hedge fund Democrats, think tank Democrats, yoga-retreat Democrats — it would be frankly un-American not to consider her for clemency,” said Liberty Legal founder Bryce Mercer. “Remember, it’s not who you trafficked with. It’s who you tattled on.”
Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche, a former Trump attorney, is currently overseeing Maxwell’s testimony. MAGA strategists assure Americans that his professionalism, and deep understanding of what not to look into, will ensure justice — or at least a politically advantageous version of it.
Meanwhile, the Department of Justice has quietly confirmed that although more than 1,000 girls were victimized, they could find “no grounds to criminally charge any powerful associates,” especially after the associates clarified their party affiliation.
Still, some critics — mostly left-wing — question the political optics of offering clemency to a convicted child trafficker in exchange for information targeting only Democrats. But MAGA leaders insist this isn’t about politics.
“It’s about justice,” said Rep. Trent Mallory (R-FL). “Selective, highly targeted, not-legally-binding justice. The kind the Founders would have posted about on Truth Social.”
