The White House issued a stark warning that it will track down and eliminate the nation's soccer moms, posting on social media: "Simply put: WE WILL FIND YOU—AND WE WILL KILL YOU."
The threatening message, which appeared on the official White House account, has sent shockwaves through suburban communities nationwide, where mothers have long organized carpools, half-time orange slices, and overly competitive youth athletic leagues with apparent impunity.
"For too long, these women have operated in the shadows of cul-de-sacs and strip mall parking lots," said one administration source who requested anonymity. "Their reign of terror—scheduling conflicts, aggressive bumper stickers, and monopolizing Costco sample stations—ends now."
The post comes as the administration continues its hardline stance on suburban America, though critics note a curious discrepancy. While the White House promises to "find and kill" soccer moms who presumably entered the country legally, gave birth to American citizens, and pay taxes while driving Chevy Suburbans, the same officials have spent decades advocating for limited government intervention and individual freedoms.
Conservative pundits rushed to defend the administration's right to threaten lethal force against PTA members, with several Fox News hosts praising the "strong leadership" required to take on Big Soccer Mom. "This is about law and order," explained one commentator who has previously argued that government tyranny begins with basic gun registration requirements.
Constitutional scholars note that hunting down soccer moms would require substantially more resources than simply processing asylum claims through existing legal frameworks, but acknowledge this has never been a concern for the party of fiscal responsibility.
