Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem appeared on CNN Sunday to warn the American people about the grave dangers of trusting Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem.
"We simply cannot trust our government anymore," Noem declared with the gravitas of someone who definitely understands what she's saying. When host Dana Bash gently noted that Noem herself is, in fact, the government, the South Dakota Republican didn't miss a beat. "Yes, that's what I'm saying."
The breathtaking moment of circular logic reportedly caused three political science professors watching at home to simultaneously throw their textbooks into fireplaces.
Noem, who now oversees the third-largest federal department with 260,000 employees and a $60 billion budget, explained that Americans should be deeply skeptical of people in positions of authority—particularly blonde former governors who once shot a puppy and wrote about it in a memoir as evidence of their decision-making abilities.
"The American people deserve leaders they can believe in," Noem continued, apparently referring to someone other than the leader currently speaking. "That's why I'm here—to tell you not to believe people like me who are here."
Constitutional scholars noted this represents a innovative interpretation of checks and balances, wherein executive branch officials check themselves by declaring themselves untrustworthy, thus balancing out their own incompetence.
The Trump administration praised Noem's remarks as "exactly the kind of outside-the-box thinking we need," with one senior official adding that having cabinet secretaries who openly discredit their own departments would "save everyone a lot of time."
