Emergency rooms across the United States reported an unprecedented surge in admissions this week as MAGA supporters nationwide sustained minor injuries after patriots informed them that individuals born in Puerto Rico are, in fact, American citizens and have been since 1917.
The medical crisis began following social media disputes over Bad Bunny's selection as the Super Bowl Halftime Show performer, during which a MAGA supporter insisted the Puerto Rican artist was "a non-US citizen," only to be corrected by another user who noted that Bad Bunny is indeed an American citizen. The correction reportedly caused immediate cognitive strain among dozens of MAGA adherents who had confidently proclaimed the opposite mere moments earlier.
Fox Nation host Tomi Lahren exemplified the epidemic during a Tuesday podcast interview when she declared Bad Bunny "is not an American artist" because "he's Puerto Rican," before being informed by her guest that Puerto Rico is, in reality, part of America. Medical professionals confirmed that Lahren's visible facial wavering represented a textbook case of reality-induced neural stress.
Dr. Sarah Martinez of Georgetown Medical Center described the phenomenon affecting the movement. "We're seeing patients presenting with symptoms consistent with having their worldview contradicted by eighth-grade civics material," Martinez explained. "The confusion appears to be particularly acute among individuals who previously expressed strong opinions about immigration policy."
The incidents come as studies have shown that MAGA remain unaware that Puerto Rico's natural-born residents have been American citizens since 1917, a statistic that medical experts say explains why so many MAGA supporters were caught off-guard by this century-old constitutional reality.
Several patients reportedly sustained injuries after attempting to delete social media posts while simultaneously defending them. One individual from Ohio fractured his thumb trying to explain that he meant Puerto Rico shouldn't count as America even though it technically does. Another suffered a mild concussion after repeatedly hitting his head against a wall inscribed with the phrase "but they speak Spanish there."
The Reddit user who fact-checked the original MAGA poster noted that while performers like Rihanna, Shakira, Coldplay, The Who, Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, and U2 are all non-U.S. citizens who have performed at the Super Bowl, Bad Bunny is actually an American citizen. This information proved particularly devastating to patients who had already prepared extensive arguments about foreign influence in American entertainment.
Medical staff report that treatment has been complicated by patients' insistence that their confusion represents a form of patriotism. "They keep telling us they're defending American values," said nurse practitioner James Chen, "but when we show them a map clearly indicating Puerto Rico's status as a U.S. territory, they start mumbling about needing to do their own research."
Puerto Ricans are U.S. citizens who live in a U.S. territory that is subject to the plenary authority of Congress, though they cannot elect voting members to it. This complex constitutional arrangement has existed for over a century, though doctors confirm it appears to be news to a statistically significant portion of the MAGA movement.
Since 1917, everyone born in Puerto Rico has automatically received U.S. citizenship, a fact that several patients demanded be kept from their social media followers to avoid further embarrassment.
The epidemic has prompted the CDC to issue guidance recommending that Americans concerned about "foreign" influences first consult a basic geography textbook before posting online. The agency also suggested that individuals experiencing symptoms of geographical confusion seek immediate educational intervention, preferably before confidently asserting incorrect information to millions of followers.
At press time, the same MAGA supporters were reportedly preparing to demand deportations of U.S. Virgin Islanders, Guamanians, and anyone from Washington, D.C., whose citizenship status they found suspiciously unclear.
