Donald Trump’s Morning from Hell™
Donald Trump just had what experts are calling “one of the worst mornings in the history of mornings.” Forget spilled coffee and traffic jams—this was a full-blown MAGA Greek tragedy. Sources say the former president began his day blasting out fundraising emails that read less like political strategy and more like a celestial GoFundMe:
“I want to try to get to heaven. Please send me $15 to secure my divine boarding pass.”
Yes, America: the man who brags about being a billionaire is panhandling his supporters for heaven money like a televangelist caught on late-night TV. Next stop, selling “golden stairway” NFTs?
The Epstein Flyover That Wasn’t “Totally” Intimidation
While victims of Jeffrey Epstein gathered to share harrowing stories, Trump decided to spice things up with a flyover. His excuse? A visiting Polish leader. Reality check: the flight path just happened to coincidentally swoop right over the press conference where survivors detailed how Epstein’s biggest brag was being “very close friends” with Trump.
Survivors bravely spoke out, reminding America that Epstein’s power came from his powerful friends—Trump included. One victim described Epstein’s shrine-like photo of himself and Trump, sitting on his desk like a cursed family portrait. Meanwhile, Trump’s White House claimed the flyover was “just business.” Sure, Donnie.
Trump’s Global Jilted Ex-Lover Energy
As survivors spoke, Trump fired off social media posts whining about Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping, and Kim Jong-un holding a military parade in China. His response? A pouty, ex-boyfriend-style message:
“Hope you’re having fun conspiring against us.”
If geopolitics were high school, Trump would be the kid eating lunch alone while posting cryptic Facebook statuses like “Some people just don’t appreciate loyalty 😢.”
To overcompensate, Trump flexed his military muscles by sending warships to Venezuela—only to allegedly kill 11 people in a fishing boat. His defense? He thought they were “trendy narcos.” Yes, America’s commander-in-chief turned into a Netflix cartel drama character, except with way worse writing.
MAGA’s Gaslighting Olympics
While Epstein survivors bravely recounted trauma, Trump dismissed it all as a “hoax.” Fox News, ever the loyal hype squad, ignored the victims entirely. Instead, they trotted out Pete Hegseth—now somehow Secretary of Defense—to blame Joe Biden for China, Putin, and Kim Jong-un sharing the same parade float.
Meanwhile, Speaker Mike Johnson (a.k.a. “MAGA Mike”) declared Trump “the most transparent president in history.” Transparent?
Heaven on Layaway, Apocalypse on Credit
Between begging for heaven cash, silencing survivors, and publicly simping for dictators, Trump has turned the Republican Party into a sideshow that makes Tiger King look like PBS NewsHour.
And while Trump claims Biden’s weakness is why America looks bad on the world stage, let’s be real: nothing says “pathetic superpower” like a president sending out PayPal links to secure his afterlife spot while casually buzzing abuse survivors with Air Force One.
Final Thought:
At this point, Trump isn’t running a political campaign—he’s running a parody of one. And like all bad reality TV, America’s stuck watching reruns we didn’t ask for.
