WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly appointed FBI Director Kash Patel has reportedly uncovered a stash of “burn bags” containing sensitive Russiagate documents—just as media chatter around the Epstein client list threatened to dominate the news cycle.
Sources close to the FBI say the bags, believed to contain thousands of pages related to the origins of the Trump–Russia probe, were found in a “highly secure yet inexplicably unmonitored” utility closet beneath FBI headquarters. “It’s a miracle they weren’t burned,” one source noted, “despite the bags being clearly labeled ‘FOR BURNING.’”
Among the contents was the classified annex to former Special Counsel John Durham’s report, a document that was either suppressed, forgotten, or, in the words of one official, “strategically misplaced to preserve national stability.”
Patel, who assumed leadership of the FBI following a rare bipartisan agreement not to vet anyone, has joined forces with CIA Director John Ratcliffe, DNI Tulsi Gabbard, Attorney General Pam Bondi, and acting NSA Director William Hartman. The five officials, chosen for their deep familiarity with television appearances and conservative conference panels, have vowed to declassify the annex “as soon as it’s been appropriately reformatted for maximum public outrage.”
Senate Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, who famously learned how to use PDFs last year, will be responsible for releasing the documents to the public. “We are committed to transparency,” Grassley said in a statement. “Especially transparency that implicates Obama and Hillary Clinton.”
The documents reportedly contain evidence of a “coordinated plan” by U.S. intelligence officials to assist Hillary Clinton’s campaign by fabricating links between Donald Trump and Russia—an accusation that, while heavily litigated in the court of public opinion, has gained renewed urgency following the Epstein scandal.
Former Representative Tulsi Gabbard, who now holds the dual role of Director of National Intelligence and frequent guest host on conservative podcasts, declared last week that she had submitted “overwhelming evidence” to the Department of Justice showing that President Obama personally orchestrated a “yearslong coup” against Trump. The DOJ acknowledged receipt of the referral, and, according to insiders, is currently considering how to phrase its eventual dismissal in a way that won't inflame the base.
“The American people deserve answers,” Patel said in a press conference flanked by an American flag and a suspiciously well-lit bust of Ronald Reagan. “And those answers just happened to be found at a time when another, far more inconvenient scandal is gaining traction.”
While the full contents of the burn bags remain under review, Patel emphasized that the documents “almost certainly” show that Obama, Brennan, Clapper, Comey, and other well-known Democrats orchestrated “the greatest act of electoral sabotage since George Washington failed to warn the British.”
When asked if the timing of the release was related to increased public interest in the Epstein investigation and possible elite-level accountability, Patel waved off the suggestion. “This isn’t a distraction,” he said. “It’s a historic revelation we’ve been sitting on for years—on principle.”
Reached for comment, a spokesperson for former President Obama called the accusations “outrageous, unhinged, and impressively on-brand.”
