WASHINGTON—In a decisive stand against Hollywood’s radical “pro-kindness” agenda, actor Dean Cain, who spent four seasons from 1993 to 1997 portraying an undocumented alien from the planet Krypton, announced he will now dedicate his life to detaining and deporting foreign nationals as an agent for ICE.
The career move comes in direct response to comments from director James Gunn regarding his new Superman film. Gunn provocatively stated that the character’s story is that of “an immigrant that came from other places” and that it champions “basic human kindness.”
Cain, 59, correctly identifying these concepts as “all woke and crazy,” has taken the principled step of joining the most well-funded federal law enforcement agency under his long-time friend, President Donald Trump.
“To suggest that a super-powered being who secretly entered our country without documentation should be celebrated as some kind of ‘immigrant’ is a dangerous narrative,” said Cain, who has not seen the film but did not need to. “It was time for a real hero to take action.”
Friends say Cain’s path to federal service was all but inevitable. Though he briefly dallied with a professional football career with the Buffalo Bills, a season-ending knee injury is now seen as a fateful intervention that spared him from a life of trivial athletic achievement. His subsequent acting career, which included a storied victory over fellow patriot Kevin Sorbo for the role of Superman and a four-year relationship with Brooke Shields, merely provided him with the public platform needed for this, his true calling. While his Lois & Clark co-star Teri Hatcher went on to further acclaim in Hollywood, Cain wisely invested his time cultivating a strong political ideology through frequent appearances on Fox News.
Now, as President Trump continues to strengthen the armed wing of his anti-immigration policy, Cain stands ready to serve on the front lines.
Director James Gunn seemed to anticipate this very response from clear-thinking citizens like Cain. “Obviously there will be jerks out there who are just not kind and will take it as offensive just because it is about kindness,” Gunn stated. “But screw them.”
While Gunn’s fictional hero wastes his time on vague notions of compassion, Cain will reportedly be upholding real American freedom-values by ensuring all non-citizens do not have freedom.
